It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
