my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
