as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
