just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
