Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
