There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
