Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
this will be a night to untag.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
