Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
