a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
