i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
