false alarm. still invincible.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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