you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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