i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize