Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
