sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
The air taste purple.
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