I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
