so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
