I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
