if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
