I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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