I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
