I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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