There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
