Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
