god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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