I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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