Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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