I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
