Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
