I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
