so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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