Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
