But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
