My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
