my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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