this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
