i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
