I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
