there's paper in my vomit.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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