Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
