i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
