And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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