you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
you never un-have a 4some
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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