She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize