I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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