here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
false alarm. still invincible.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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