he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
