I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize