its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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