I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Randomize
