Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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