Need sex. Gaining weight.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize