96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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