the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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