Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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