yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
