I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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