Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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